I was never made for being alone, yet I was taught from early on I should make it alone. I had a lot of friends who’s life dream was to have enough money to retreat to an island or the mountains.
I never wanted to be on an island no matter how beautiful it looked or on a mountain far away from civilization. I always felt like being alone was punishment. I could never see anything good in it. Yet, for the first part of my life it was hard for me to connect to others. I always felt there were conditions associated with these connections. Conditions and rules. And these conditions and rules could change at any time without any notice. And I believed I had to get them right or at least be in the ball park of right to be able to connect to people. I found myself using most of my brain power figuring out how to be. I observed others who seemed to be cool trying to be like them so I could be cool and attractive as well. I found myself in conversations attempting to simulate what the other person wanted to hear so I could be that way and be interesting to them. It was very hard work.
All of these strategies were really pathetic. Lucky me I was really bad at them and they never got me anywhere.
Feeling that I don’t have to die has kind of cured me from all the trying to be like others.
Not having to die comes with a complete set of new ways of living. There are not many people who feel it so all the trying to be like others falls to the wayside.
And then it’s pretty much impossible to be really alive – I mean so alive that you never have to die – without simply being yourself. If you don’t want to be the unique person you are, you are pretty much a lost cause for physical immortality.
I remember the first time when I had the physical feeling that I didn’t have to die. It lasted only for a little bit before I went back to my normal try to be like everyone else mode. That moment was magical. It came out of the blue just from within myself. I had been involved with People Unlimited and a whole community of people that didn’t feel they had to die for several years then. During those years I had completely fallen in love with these people and it was easy for me to ‘think’ that it was possible to live without an end.
Yet what I hadn’t done at that time was experiencing ‘not dying’ in my own person. Yes, not dying is an ‘experience’. When I first experienced it, it came as a surprise. I was living in Germany then and it was an evening like any other evening. Nothing was out of the ordinary. This was until I had a sensation that I had never had before. I felt a physical vibration and tingling all over me. It felt like my cells caught onto fire and all of a sudden came alive. And this aliveness was not just within me, it was a physical connection with a very selected small number of people. People who are still in my life now. Now 18 years later, I feel an even stronger connection to them. These people are Otto – my intimate life partner for nearly 20 years – Bernie, Jim and Chuck. Bernie, Jim and Chuck are the first three people who had told me that they weren’t going to die. They were very open and had no intimidation around living without an end physically. And even though I didn’t really know them personally then, that evening I could feel them.
Now 18 years later, I no longer live in Germany, I live in Cave Creek, Arizona. Otto, Bernie and Jim are in my daily living now and I am even more connected to them. I now have many more people I feel this connection to. I now have this incredible physical sensation of physical immortality pretty much every day.
The interesting thing is that in all of this connected feeling I all forgot about having to figure out how to be. I just am. I turned out to be very unique. I have hobbies none of my friends have. I eat like no-one else around me eats and my eating habits are getting weirder and weirder all the time. It’s fun to be so different and it’s natural. It’s a relief that I no longer try to connect with people by trying to be like them.