Sunday morning I woke up and the first thing I felt was to call my friend Amalia in Israel. Otto was laying next to me in bed and felt to join me so he grabbed his iPad and we skyped her. Amalia was working and couldn’t talk but wanted to call back. Tuesday night – I was just about to fall asleep – we heard Otto’s iPad beep with a Skype call coming in and it was Amalia. Otto picked up and started talking and then came over to me so I could say hi as well. I was so happy to hear Amelia’s voice and it was so good to connect with her.
During the few minutes we talked Amalia mentioned that she called back because she had to talk to Otto so badly. That she needed to hear his voice. It was beautiful that she felt that way but when we hung up something didn’t feel right. When I had the feeling to call Amalia it had been very personal just from me to her and for some reason this personal connection between the 2 of us was missed.
Why did I feel it was a big deal? Why did I feel something was wrong? The reason is that I can’t live my life through Otto not even a little bit. It’s very crucial that I build my own life. It’s important that when I feel a person I go all the way and do not let Otto take over. I feel I have to go for what I feel all the way out with Otto right next to me. If I have a gut feeling to make a connection, Otto’s connection will not do even if it is happening with me right there.
I make my own money, I make my own decisions on how to spend it, I pay my own bills, I do trips without Otto just because I feel to and he doesn’t. I live my own life and yet I have the best intimacy and communication with Otto. It’s quiet amazing and so enlivening. I feel one of the reasons why I am doing so good with living with Otto in an intimate way is because I am really free in moving for what I feel and he is free as well.
But I have to admit that there is more. There are areas where I hide. I hide my feeling behind the feelings of others. I hide by not taking credit for all the things I initiate and accomplish. Not only at home even more so at work or sometimes with friends. Sometimes I feel the reason why women need so much attention is because they don’t go for the real attention. The acknowledgement for who they are and for what they accomplished. They have a hard time to stand up and say ‘I accomplished something phenomenal today. It made a real big difference.’ They usually think it’s nothing and there is no need to mention it. But then they feel needy and cranky and never seem to get enough attention.
Bernie made a statement a couple of weeks ago saying “It’s done! It’s accomplished! It’s a done deal that we don’t die”. I felt what she said in every cell of my body. Now I feel there is a reality to it in my day-to-day living. I feel I have to live me all the way without compromise. Every action I take or don’t take that puts me down even a little bit feels really wrong. I am thankful for it. I can’t fight with Otto for anything any longer and fights don’t even come up any longer in living without a compromise who I am.
I am so thankful to have people in my life like Bernadeane and Jim Strole who see me whole. Just being in their presence brings a clarity that makes life so easy.
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